Friday, April 28, 2017

I was Abandoned, Now I'm Found!


On the 3rd day of the challenge, we were asked to write about a story we've been telling over and over, which no longer serves me. At first it was hard, I had nothing that came to mind. So, I procrastinated until the 4th day, which is today for another 45 minutes.

As a Yogi, telling a new story is something I was taught. Spiritual training requires that you tell a new story, a better story, one that uplifts not only spirit, but body and mind as well. Yet, I still could not dig deep until I read the prompt again, 15 minutes ago. That's when it hit me. The story I've been telling since I was old enough to talk about it.

You see the prompt suggested writing about someone who hurt you, or a relationship that didn’t work out.

LIGHTBULB!

Here's the story I tell -

I am an abandoned child.

My father left me (& my Mother) when I was 4 years old. I guess I'm a shitty person because my own Dad didn't love me enough to raise me. Instead he left my Mom, sister and I to go an raise another family. He went on and raised 3 kids, that weren't his own flesh and blood. (Bitter much?) I can't even explain the level of rejection I have felt most of my life, at least until my late 20's. Yoga helped me see things so differently, clearly.

I realized my Dad's decision to leave had nothing to do with me, and it said more about his cowardice than my pain, which I self inflicted. I realized he was human, and lost. I realized I chose him to be my Dad - so that the experience and pain would be so intense, I'd seek out healing modalities to help my broken heart. I realized suffering was optional, and boy was I attached to my pain. I had the tendency to need approval, to be liked, accepted, wanted. All of that propelled me towards Yoga and the healing community, because I was desperate. I was tired of being a victim. I was tired of that story. I wanted to be the survivor, the warrior who conquered, the Shero.

It was not easy.

It still isn't easy.

I get flashback emotional pain - even after forgiving him and myself.

"Maybe a relationship that didn’t work out" was what triggered my feelings, and Spirit. It's weird to think my relationship with my Dad didn’t work out - but that is the truth. We have an amicable relationship now, but there is no bond, it's not deep, I'm detached.

My (new) story is of understanding parents are human, and make mistakes (which helps me with my 3 daughters because I don't want them to think of me as perfect. Ever).

A story of realization - I am supported and loved by the Universe - no matter who my parents are - I'm always being cared for.
You see, I realized that the power was within me, from the very beginning.

I realized that self love was more important than anything else.

I realized once I started loving myself, I didn't need anyone else to do it for me.

I realized this world is all Maya (illusion) and we choose to perceive it any way we want to, all it takes is focus.

I decided to change my story, for I was not abandoned, but found by the ever loving Universe/God/Energy/Most High. I was found and set on the Healer Path. I was found and set on the path of pioneering a new consciousness which began within me.

I was the spark. I was the transformer - I still am!

While it may seem strange to think the relationship with my Dad didn’t work out, it is a truth many children face.

I am consciously aware of the advancement I have made due to feeling abandoned, and know I was never truly abandoned.

Now I look forward to advancing, with a knowing I was found, to be a pioneer of healing for others.

For that, I'm grateful.

Namaste

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